Quid est illa in Auqua? (Originally posted on Myspace...cause I can't quit it. Argh.)

Justin.

Justinius est illa in auqua.

Lately I've been having these days where I feel I am walking through a funnel made out of sea-foam...almost like being caught in a wave, enveloped by the water whispering in my ear, drowning all sound and forcing me to look for the light so that I may escape a watery grave.

Then I realize I am being an over-dramatic fuck-whit.

And then I realize how much I really enjoy the expression "fuck-whit."

"Justin, stop being such Latin quoting fuck-whit."

Yeah, it makes me giggle.

But really, maybe it's being in grad school...in a state I don't know with people I am barely getting to know in a program many people know in which if you fuck up, well --they'll know.

No pressure.

I have some auditions coming up...Milwaukee Rep, Utah Shakes, Illinois Shakes, Great River Shakes...and all I am thinking is "I must get cast somewhere...if I don't, well then--I must be a failure! The faculty will come down on me! Undergrads will laugh at me!

Then, lo and behold, I realize I am becoming the King of Imaginary Burdens and have to bring myself back down to Mother Earth. They are just auditions. Knock them out of the park, have a good time, and let the chips fall where they may.

But that doesn't mean I am going to not wrestle back-and-forth with trite scenarios which alternate between success and failure.

"I am brilliant!"

"I am crap!"

"I am au fait!"

"I am the Egg Man, and I'm going to be scrambled!"

Scrambled, screwed, sacrificed...succumbing stupidly to my sullen sense of self.

I am vacillating so much between confidence and fear everyday that I am in class or rehearsal that the only reasonable conclusion I can reach with any certainty is that I am, indeed, an actor.

And an over-dramatic fuck-whit.

Huzzah!

ac?tor /'ækt?r/ [ak-ter] –noun
1.
a person who acts in stage plays, motion pictures, television broadcasts, etc.

Fuck Whit /fuhk wit/ [ak-ter] –noun
1.
a person who acts in stage plays, motion pictures, television broadcasts, etc.

Funny how those two seem so alike, yes?

All and all, things are good. I really have, though, been a bit cloudy the last few days. My coach here would say this is a good thing, that this is a solid indication that I am "in training." And he's probably right. I hate to say that: "He is probably right." But the sad fact is that he usually is. Right, that is. Yes. Right. Good.

Could there be another reason that I have found myself stuck in a glass case filling with fog?

Yes.

I am having a damned difficult time dealing with duality. Yes, duality.

du?al?i?ty /du'æl?ti, dyu-/ [doo-al-i-tee, dyoo-] –noun
1.
a dual state or quality.

So. Duality. About that...this whole "grad student/human being with wants, needs, passions yet also needing to maintain a layer of professionalism" thing is kind of getting to me.

Am I Batman or Bruce Wayne? Am I an example or your friend? Can I be both? Is there a time and a place for everything? Is there a way to make things blend, less black and white? I don't know. I'm figuring it out. Is it because everything in my life right now is so new that I haven't figured out how to really establish anything?
Does there have to be a feeling of "us" vs. "them" between "them" and "us"?

Duality. It's tough. I think, again, it is because everything is new. New colleagues, new friends, new relationships (or rather, figuring out new relationships), new school (still), new town (I still get lost at least every other day), new clothes (jeans need to break in, you know).

However, I suppose there are always two sides to every coin...one canvas can have two paintings...Justin can adjust to being an authority figure during the week and a clown during the weekend.

He can also stop being such a fuck-whit.

But that would also mean I'd have to stop being an actor.

So...guess I'll just be rolling with the punches and smoothing out the creases.

And keep learning...keep going forward.

Quinon proficit deficit.

Hi, how are ya?

And here I am. I have joined the blogger generation officially. No longer will I sulk through the halls of myspace...no, I'm going hardcore now.

Too bad I have nothing of note to write at the moment.

So hello.

And goodbye.

For now.

Haiku

The rain dulls my brain,
Or was it the breakfast beer?
Hangover helper.