The Sun Also Rises...

Lately, I've been obsessed with Ryan Adam's latest record, 'Easy Tiger'...particularly the track called "The Sun Also Sets". Essentially, it reminds us just how close we are to death, destruction, ruin--all those good happy things. "Gee...really great, Justin...", you may be thinking, "Really, could you maybe be a bit more melancholy? Can you do that for us?" But actually, if you look at the song the way that it is written:

"There it is...we are only one push from the nest...
There it is...we are only one argument from death...
There it is...the sun rises, but the sun also sets..."

it actually reminds us that maybe, just maybe we should start, you know, living in the NOW for a change. Maybe we should start looking for those golden nuggets of hope out there. Maybe we should start finding the joy in our life and work, because at any given moment, that joy can be eradicated. "Live in the now", as they say. Whomever they are.

Oh, and the song title is also a pun on Ernest Hemingway's first novel, which happens to be the title of this blog. For those of you out there, you know, keeping score.

So yes. Basically, things are better. I'm starting to enjoy my work again...which I've not fully done in God knows how long.

I have a lot of work ahead of me for the remainder of this semester. Auditions for summer work, for next season at Krannert, memorization for my two acting classes that I have prevented myself from doing because, you know, I hated acting for awhile there...yeah. I have some things to do.

But at least I feel good about it.

Thanks to my friends for putting up with my bullshit. And for helping me see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Which was pretty far off for some time.

Game on.

Rocks in my pockets...

I've been back at school for about a month and some change. I've not been having a good time. I am disinterested. I am apathetic. I fluctuate between anger and fear, and then back again. Somebody has stolen my idol and not thrown me a whip. I've been struck down, and have not become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. I am unable to leap tall buildings with a single bound. I am not the goddamn Batman.

The heroes of my childhood, the myths I used to personalize as a kid, the origins of my imagination that quietly guided me on my path to becoming an actor...they are...gone. And here I am: blank. My imagination, my capacity to create seems to have died, or has been sealed behind a concrete wall.

In short, I used to love acting. LOVE it. I felt invincible. Somehow, somewhere along the line I have stopped loving it. I have begun, instead, to succumb to a gnawing emptiness bred from reflecting on the sacrifices I have made for the sake of my art, contrasting with the poor choices I have made that have gotten "in the way" of my perceived "greatness".

Therein lies the rub: my self-perception.

Have I been a good, competent actor who got his job done consistently? Yes. But then I began to hide behind that persona. I stopped making choices. Stopped taking risks. I became safe. I encased myself in a suit of psychological armor...armor so thick it stems from within, leeching through my pores and covering my body. I have become a shell.

In acting class, I am beginning to crack apart that shell, and in doing so, I have somehow reached a point where I believe in my heart of hearts that I am, indeed, crap.

And if I am crap, why am I doing this?

So here I am: nude, clueless, afraid.

I told one of my coaches I felt like I had sunk to the bottom of a pool with rocks in my pockets.

She told me to simply try to take a rock out each day, and see how I do.

So I'm gonna do that.

And once I finally breathe again, maybe I'll re-discover the joy I once had in doing this...because at the very least, I do know that I still want to do nothing more than be an artist in the theatre.

Even if right now I hate it, and that hatred is drowning me.

Here. Take this rock...I don't want it anymore.