Saturday, October 07, 2006

Wise Up

So I hit a theoretical wall in my acting studio. We started exploring Suzuki method, and I found myself experiencing a major emotional upheaval...Something I was not prepared for (then again, one can never really be "prepared" for an emotional breakdown--though I'd hardly call what I experienced a "breakdown, not in the least).

Suzuki, I am learning, requires a tremendous amount of focus (as does all actor training and practice). However, what happened to me was that my focus turned to introspection, introspection turned into catharsis. And the catalyst for all of this was somewhat disarming (for me, anyway).

When we are to begin an exercise in Suzuki class, the instructor would slam a bamboo rod onto a folded gymnastic mat, creating a jarring, abrasive "thud", not unlike the sound made when one is slapped with an open palm extremely hard.

After about five of these "slams", pretty much every ugly thing that I ever experienced or witnessed as a child, every jilted love affair, every mourned friend or family member, began to well up, and with a vengeance. If emotions can be released through your body frenetically, then that would be the best way to describe what I was feeling...Pain, regret, fear, rage, even joy on occasion--all spiraled around inside my body.

Though I spent the duration of class suppressing tears and laughter (which in hindsight I shouldn't have done, I should have let it all out, even though I would have appeared insane), I found the work valuable in that I was beginning to explore my emotional capability somewhat more freely than I have in a long, long time.

Once we progressed in the class and began to explore working with one another (the students, that is), I found myself more emotionally connected to what emotions my fellows were in turn giving to me.

So the lesson here, I believe, is that discomfort is good...it means you are opening up--wisening up, even. Now if I can just learn to start letting go a bit more, then I think we'll be on to something...