Rocks in my pockets...

I've been back at school for about a month and some change. I've not been having a good time. I am disinterested. I am apathetic. I fluctuate between anger and fear, and then back again. Somebody has stolen my idol and not thrown me a whip. I've been struck down, and have not become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. I am unable to leap tall buildings with a single bound. I am not the goddamn Batman.

The heroes of my childhood, the myths I used to personalize as a kid, the origins of my imagination that quietly guided me on my path to becoming an actor...they are...gone. And here I am: blank. My imagination, my capacity to create seems to have died, or has been sealed behind a concrete wall.

In short, I used to love acting. LOVE it. I felt invincible. Somehow, somewhere along the line I have stopped loving it. I have begun, instead, to succumb to a gnawing emptiness bred from reflecting on the sacrifices I have made for the sake of my art, contrasting with the poor choices I have made that have gotten "in the way" of my perceived "greatness".

Therein lies the rub: my self-perception.

Have I been a good, competent actor who got his job done consistently? Yes. But then I began to hide behind that persona. I stopped making choices. Stopped taking risks. I became safe. I encased myself in a suit of psychological armor...armor so thick it stems from within, leeching through my pores and covering my body. I have become a shell.

In acting class, I am beginning to crack apart that shell, and in doing so, I have somehow reached a point where I believe in my heart of hearts that I am, indeed, crap.

And if I am crap, why am I doing this?

So here I am: nude, clueless, afraid.

I told one of my coaches I felt like I had sunk to the bottom of a pool with rocks in my pockets.

She told me to simply try to take a rock out each day, and see how I do.

So I'm gonna do that.

And once I finally breathe again, maybe I'll re-discover the joy I once had in doing this...because at the very least, I do know that I still want to do nothing more than be an artist in the theatre.

Even if right now I hate it, and that hatred is drowning me.

Here. Take this rock...I don't want it anymore.